As January is now in full swing. It has taken me a few weeks to catch up. As I continue to navigate days that have turned into weeks and will eventually become a year, I have become paralyzed. Stuck to do nothing but day to day tasks. Why is this?
Why one minute am I bursting with motivation to do all these great things and then 24 hours later motivated to do nothing? I realize this is my very flawed human condition. As I reflect on the past year, the highs and the lows, I see God’s hand in all of it. But in my human condition, I want to just stop His work through me. STOP all of it and go through the motions of life. My head and the promises of His word knows this is not who I am or who He created me to be. But if I am honest, my messy heart and fickle emotions win some days.
Oh those emotions, those emotions that let the boat sink every time (Matthew 14:30-33). How do I stop believing the enemy’s lies–You are not worthy, you are a joke, you are so flawed how can you lead a prayer group, you have broken relationships you can’t even repair so how can you encourage others, your family doesn’t even ‘get’ you–what are you trying to prove?
Hmm, what I am trying to prove? Good question…
On that day when I finally realize my mire of self pity, I discover my purpose is to show others how He has moved me and changed my life. I grew up with such self condemnation. Grace wasn’t in my early vocabulary. Love was earned not received. If I did everything correctly, everyone would love me. But I learned through Jesus Christ no matter what I do, He loves me. In my quiet moments I have felt this overwhelming love. Where my heart would almost burst. He has shown me clouds, sunsets, sunrises, rainbows, pink chubby babies and embraces from others that felt like my bones were being crushed. He was saying, Chandra, you are beautiful and perfect in my eyes. Oh to see me through Jesus’ eyes. I need His perfect vision on those days I experience these emotions and lies.
I discovered a hand full of verses that carry me. I repeat them over and over. Even in the times I don’t feel it. See, those emotions can fill you up with every negative experience you have had in your life. You literally can’t see the forest for the trees. Each tree represents a past hurt. Those trees become all you can see. But even in those dark times, I know in the back of my mind He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
As I embark on praying and trusting Him in 2017, I will give myself grace for those days when I only see the trees because I know the sun will eventually shine through all the limbs and leaves. He will show me my PATH. I am not alone (Isaiah 41:10).